MY RELATIVES I DON'T KNOW

My ears for some days now have been whining  to me about how often he hears dad wailing that I don’t even know my relatives. Last week a middle age man came to our house banging our gate like a police man, I came out harm with bullets of invectives, hey do you want to pull this gate off? Who are you looking for? I asked angrily. Ha! The man replied astound, Bode, is it me you are talking to,  I began back-peddling and stuttering upon hearing my native name, ah! I gave you that name when you were born, you don’t know me?…. The drama continues till my dad came and introduce him to me as my Uncle after a melodious slap that focus my uncle image on my mind forever like a camera snap.

The other time, I fought with a junior school student in our local school that tore my physis textbook. I gave her a sharp slap that sink her in her tears. Dad came again given me a sharper slap that sends me to the sea of wailing, that is your sister, my father’s brother grand daughter dad had said. So I was now careful, always asking people I come in contact with, are you from the Igbiwe’s family?...

I concluded evasively that I was going to know all my relative and visit them and be friend with them at all cost. I send a message to Dupe, my facebook friend, who later became my sister, when I ask my mum how come this girl is bearing Dupe Igbiwe on facebook. Mum had told me, she is the daughter of the daughter of Dads’s  half sister. I had thank God that I haven’t started blowing her head with words that could arouse a god on facebook. We had decided to meet at Kada Plaza in Sapele road, but base on how light my wallet is, I had told her to meet me at Ike’s Bar, where we can swing our discussion amidst a bottle of coke and a scrooge egg. The next morning I got dressed, waited for dad to come back from his night duty job so that he can give me the money he had promised me. Dad will not come, mum went to market very early in the morning and  she lock her door as such I could not break- in, to display my desprado skill at least for a reason worth while and my phone kept ringing, she is waiting for me, I called Samie my friend who was holding me seven hundred naira, I called and called, Samie will not pick and Dupe is calling. So I picked and tell her to buy her self something that I will be on my way. As red as my ATM card is, so was the account itself, red. I know I was only having four hundred and forty five naira in my account according to the month-end account statement I received. All the ATM machines around does not withdraw less than a thousand naira except the one at my school, that withdraws two hundred, we do refer to it as the student ATM Machine. With only two hundred naira in my pocket, I decided to take a bus there that would cost me forty naira so as to withdraw four hundred naira, atleast that will be enough to buy a bottle of coke for my pretty sister Dupe while I stick to a sacket of water and put the rest to lie that have been having stomach ache so I can’t take any sugar water. I got to the school ATM and I received the biggest shocker of my life, I slot in my ATM card with joy, then poke in my pins and type in four hundred naira, killing was the reply, sorry this machine can not dispense cash at the moment, Blood of God! I remove it and insert the card again, same was the reply, I was fizzled. Dupe was calling and I don’t know what to do. I tried Calling Samie he didn’t pick, dad was not reachable, my big money friend Paris Uhode has travelled to Abuja who could have come to my rescue. What should I do? Dupe is waiting. With just one hundred and sixty naira with me, I went to meet dupe, at the end I was having just a hundred and ten naira in my sweating wallet after paying  the bus boy. I saw her, seating in one corner of the restaurant with a plate of rice half consume, and a hollandia yoghurt in front of her and a can water.

My mind turns a calculating machine instantly the one that calculate figures at the speed of light. A plate of rice here is a thousand five hundred, hollandia yoghurt would cost five hundred and fifty naira, a can of water is hundred naira. Where the hell will I get two thousand one hundred and fifty naira from, that was where my problem started.

Dupe stood up to huge me, I could not feel the smell of her body, only the smell of palaver that loam all round me, upon siting the half consume food, my plight was worsen. I could not ask her all the question have prepared for her. What I could only remember was that I ask her about where she schools and her course of study. Our discussion was very interesting cause I saw her laughing and laughing while I think and think,  given just some little opening to my lips that shows my gnashing teeth.  She is beautiful only that she lacks manners on spending, how will she buy food and drink worth more than two grand. Jesus!.

I kept thinking and asking myself silent questions as our conversation goes on. why did mum went to market so early? Is it that she is holding the keys to the market gate? Why will dad not drive home straight after his night duty job? Stupid Samie I need to send that guy to prison for not paying me my money. Paris, I will not mine him, always traveller as if he is the Lord of the road. Our Government suppose to provide one square meal for all tertiary school student, so anywhere you go you can just summit your ticket and eat your one meal in any restaurant. Stupid government I ponder.

Nice was our date as it gradually comes to an end with my heart beat playing reggae music I could not dance to. So the waiter walk towards  her, to give the bill, shit! It was three thousand naira. I saw my heart fallen down into my belly. The waiter a young guy  in his middle twenties with a smiling face that can be easily turn vinegar  walk  towards us, with a broad and yet calm voice he told Dupe here is the the bill. I will not see shame, help me God I prayed silently. Dupe return it to me,  I found out that Dupe was not even having her transport fair back home. So I delve into the foolish ream of mine life, because foolishness has always been mine definition of faith. My pastor has preached about faith for so long that I have wonder if faith is a girl that can help a boy become great in life, I thought faith are countable and that my dad has seven faith, mum twelve and I  three, so I need to increase mine.  I gave the waiter my ATM Card like the super rich in our society does, go and withdraw the money, the pin is 419 1, He left and the war continues, armoured car, granades and AK’s given tumultuous sound to my mind. What comes next. Dupe is nice meeting you, I really enjoyed myself I had said to her. The Waiter appear back with a smiling face as usual and handed me back my card. Thank you very much he replied with his broad but calm voice, I wanted to go on my kneels but he worked away. What happened I asked myself puzzled? So I and Dupe walked away. My faith has worked for me, Jesus! Jesus…. No that can’t be faith, something happen, somebody must have deposit some cash into my account. I walk Dupe to the road side and gave her the remaining hundred naira on my pocket for her transport fair. I had to depend on my long legs for the final miracle. I still could not believe it. What happened…. So I ask myself and ask till I trekked up to 20 miles back home. I had checked my phone for a notification sms from mine bank, but nor came. I went to the nearest ATM machine to check my balance it was still the same. 

I could not sleep, I was thinking about mine miracle that night I could hear dad speaking with somebody over the phone. What really happened I kept asking myself. Then dad called me in the middle of his call, hey son come here, your  cousin, my father’s half  brother youngest son wants to speak with you. I was handed the phone, the face of the caller I could not picture but the voice is like the broad and calm voice of the waiter in the restaurant.